On Sunday, July 5, Ned nearly drowned in the bath. Since then he has been at Levine's Children's Hospital in Charlotte and is in critical condition. I am at a complete loss for how I feel about our current situation and about my sick child. I am completely and utterly wrought with guilt. I have apologized to Ned a million times in that hospital room and to my Savior for being so irresponsible for such a precious gift in my life. I am coming to a greater understanding of guilt and its crippling affects on the spritual lives of people.
I have always thought that I understood why people who had made terrible "lifestyle choices" had a difficult time letting go of their guilt and accepting the forgivness of Jesus; however, my "understanding" was extremely abstract and distant, at best. Guilt oppresses you in a very internalized approach. I don't feel like I deserve to take my guilt to the cross and lay it down, and for that matter, I don't want to. I don't want to feel better while my son is struggling to live in a hospital bed. The most difficult concept for me to grasp at the moment is that I have never "deserved" to take my burdens to the cross....it was never a priviledge I had earned for any good merit or behavior. When you have to watch your children suffer for your misgivings, you desire to suffer as well. I know every parent in the world will tell me that it could have just as easily been their child, but it wasn't....it was mine. It's not that he went under that haunts me at night, it's knowing that when he couldn't help himself, he was desperately wanting and needing me to rescue him and I never came.
I am asking everyone to pray for Ned. I am praying for his peace and comfort....that is what I most desire for him. While every fiber of my being wants him back on my hip, clinging to my shoulder, I most want him to feel the peace of God. I have more that I would like to share about how God prepared me for this latest journey, but I don't have the endurance tonight to relay it...hopefully tomorrow. Much love and many blessings!