"What would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the LIVING. Wait, hope for and EXPECT the Lord. Be strong and of good courage and may your heart (Ned) be sturdy and enduring.....Yes, Wait For and Hope For and Expect the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14 (Amp)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Journey Continues

There is certainly a part of me that had hoped never to post on this blog ever again. I had basically used this format as an outlet to express, not only Ned's current medical condition, but also, how the Lord was working in my life and heart through those situations. I was definitely living in a place where I assumed all those times were behind me. There was a part of me that was missing feeling the closeness of the Lord in my life, but I wouldn't have opted to return to a critical care unit to rekindle the relationship?

On Sunday, July 5, Ned nearly drowned in the bath. Since then he has been at Levine's Children's Hospital in Charlotte and is in critical condition. I am at a complete loss for how I feel about our current situation and about my sick child. I am completely and utterly wrought with guilt. I have apologized to Ned a million times in that hospital room and to my Savior for being so irresponsible for such a precious gift in my life. I am coming to a greater understanding of guilt and its crippling affects on the spritual lives of people.

I have always thought that I understood why people who had made terrible "lifestyle choices" had a difficult time letting go of their guilt and accepting the forgivness of Jesus; however, my "understanding" was extremely abstract and distant, at best. Guilt oppresses you in a very internalized approach. I don't feel like I deserve to take my guilt to the cross and lay it down, and for that matter, I don't want to. I don't want to feel better while my son is struggling to live in a hospital bed. The most difficult concept for me to grasp at the moment is that I have never "deserved" to take my burdens to the cross....it was never a priviledge I had earned for any good merit or behavior. When you have to watch your children suffer for your misgivings, you desire to suffer as well. I know every parent in the world will tell me that it could have just as easily been their child, but it wasn't....it was mine. It's not that he went under that haunts me at night, it's knowing that when he couldn't help himself, he was desperately wanting and needing me to rescue him and I never came.

I am asking everyone to pray for Ned. I am praying for his peace and comfort....that is what I most desire for him. While every fiber of my being wants him back on my hip, clinging to my shoulder, I most want him to feel the peace of God. I have more that I would like to share about how God prepared me for this latest journey, but I don't have the endurance tonight to relay it...hopefully tomorrow. Much love and many blessings!

Betsy

28 comments:

Jen said...

Betsy, I'm so very sorry this happened! Praying hard for Ned and for you as well!!

Beverly said...

Once again, Betsy, your open and honest post brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could be there to give you a hug, but what I pray is that you will come to a place of forgiving yourself.

Praying for his healing and for his comfort and peace...and for yours as well!

brad.kellie.carter.lucy said...

Betsy,
We've been thinking about you and praying for your family since we heard the news about Ned. I'm so sorry that this happened.

Vicki Jensen said...

Betsy,
I am praying for Ned that God gives him great strength to heal. Your family is in my thoughts and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Vicki
mom to Jack

mummy to angel SKYLA said...

Oh Betsy, i am so sorry that this has happened. Please know that Ned is in my thoughts and prayers

Kristy, mum to angel SKYLA

Anonymous said...

hi besty,
you don't know me, but i am a friend of the caubles. my little girls and i are praying for ned. we have and continue to lift little ned up in prayer.
in prayer,
sarah

Anonymous said...

Betsy,
You and Travis have done everything within your power to be the parents that God wants you to be during your pregnancy, after Jack and Ned's birth, not to mention all of the sleepless nights and difficult days with a sick child in NICU and at home (not that you wouldn't do it all again). You are both wonderful parents and would and have sacrificed endlessly for your children. We are in prayer for Ned and your family and are waiting, hoping and expecting the Lord. We love you all, Chastity

Anonymous said...

This was a forward from my sister..her pray team. On the very bottom of the forward was the link to this blog. Sure, of course, I can pray for these people...and "interested" I openned it and read your entries. To tears it has brought me. The honesty, compassion, such sincere truth that not many can truly grasp or share. Thank you for your intimacy into your life and family. Thank you for bring me to my knees again..Lord knowing what I need at this time to get there. I'm sorry for your fear and pain!

Some verses that come to mind are:

Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:26-27 (NIR)
26 In the same way, the Holy Spirit helps us when we are weak. We don't know what we should pray for. But the Spirit himself prays for us. He prays with groans too deep for words. 27 God, who looks into our hearts, knows the mind of the Spirit. And the Spirit prays for God's people just as God wants him to pray.

I will be praying for you and your family!!

To a fellow sister (and mother) in Christ, Victoria P.

Anonymous said...

I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.

And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many shall see and fear (revere and worship) and put their trust and confident reliance in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

praying for you and your family.

Liz Rich said...

Betsy,
Rusty and I have little Ned in our prayers-and you and Travis. May the Lord give you understanding and peace on this part of the journey--may the Lord heal Ned and restore him to a perfectly healthy state. Many prayers for you and your family.
Liz, Rusty & Par

Anonymous said...

Prayers and thoughts are with Ned!

Dawn at CHERUBS said...

Oh Betsy, my heart is breaking for you!! Prayers being said here and I'll ask the other members to pray too. Miracle happen every day.

Please call me, anytime if you need to talk or cry or anything.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Anonymous said...

My name is Jessica Barr and my parents are Ann and Steve Gilreath (work with Travis at AT&T). I called my parents to let them know of baby Ned's condition. They are at the beach, but they send their love and prayers for Baby Ned, and that God's peace will sustain you as it has in the past.

crystalyn babson said...

As a mom I feel ur pain in ur heart..as a Christian..God is always there and you need to lay your burdens on the cross..I know your hurting and feeling guilt..let God ease your pain and comfort your heart..

Anonymous said...

Hi Betsy,

You don't know me but I am friends with Kelly and Franklin. My heart is broken for you. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you will find strength to deal with this difficult situation, but more importantly your heart will find peace. I pray that God will give Ned strength to heal as well as you and your family. God is good.
In prayer, Erin, Shaun and Wyatt Houser.

Dawn said...

I know that God will give you peace and comfort and give Ned strength. I have suffered great loss this year with my child and the only way through was God carrying me. He WIll carry you all, too. Just lie in His arms and let Him wipe your tears. He understands your guilt and utter despair! He bore our sorrows on the cross. If you are not ready to place your guilt there then place your sorrow at His feet. He WILL sustain you.

Joy said...

Hello Betsy. I am friends with Pete and Haley Craft and they were telling me the situation with Ned. I am praying for Ned. I just read your post and it brought me to tears. God will get you through this.

Joy Cooke

Jean ashner said...

Betsy,

I just heard about Ned. Sending prayers for Ned. Praying for comfort, strength, peace and healing for you all. So sorry you are all going through this trying time!

Jean

Darcy said...

Dear Betsy,
I too just heard about Ned and you are all in my prayers. I pray especially for you and peace.
darcy
http://ittybittyblog.wordpress.com

Amelia McNeilly said...

I am praying for you and your family!!

Jennifer said...

I will keep you in my prayers. My little brother lost his life by drowning in the bathtub when he was 11 months old. My one recommendation to you is to try and lay your guilt down at the cross as Jesus wants you to do. The guilt that my younger brother feels (he was watching the baby when the accident happened) has done irrepairable damage to his life for the past 17 years, because he has never gotten over his guilt. Your beautiful son needs you to be complete and whole. If you would like to contact me, please do.

The Sinclairs said...

Betsy,
Please know that I'm praying for Ned and your family. May God grant you with a peace that passes all understanding. I'm friends with Kelly, so I'm getting updates from her. I've followed Ned's story since before he was born, and he... as well as your family... has truly been an inspiration to me. Take care.
Jennifer

Elizabeth said...

Praying for you all - I am at a loss for words as guilt was something I carried with me for a long time too.

In faith - sometimes you must turn it all over to God.

Holding on to hope that Ned will show his strength again!
Elizabeth

Natalie H. said...

About ten years ago I heard a sermon where the pastor told the story of a young mother who had come to him burdened with guilt bc her baby had drowned in the bath tub in the few minutes she took to untangle her dog from his chain outside. As she poured out her grief and guilt to the pastor, he abruptly stopped her and said, "How dare you be so guilty over the death of your child, when your sins killed the Son of God and in comparision you don't even care." My initial reaction to the pastor's words were horror at his "insensitivity". I immediately thought to myself, "How dare he!" Have you ever heard the Holy Spirit speak to you clear as a bell? Well, the Holy Spirit said three words to me as clear as a bell. "HOW DARE YOU." It was the voice of discipline - filled with love, mind you, but filled with the strength of a thousand armies. The only true guilt we need bear is the guilt (our sin) that nailed Jesus on the cross and in his great mercy He takes even that from us as we give ourselves fully to Him. May you experience the mercy of God and receive the peace that passes all understanding. I will pray for Ned's healing.

Bev L said...

I am praying for Ned and your family. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Keep up your faith, sometimes that is all we have.

Bev Luken

Jennifer Hall said...

I continue to pray for Ned and your family. He will make it!! things might be rough for a bit but he will pull through this he has always been such a strong boy. When the doctors at Levine told me that Celeste was not going to make it I didn't want to believe them I refused to sign a DNR and just let nature take its course but after the second meeting with them telling me the very same thing on our way home it hit me like a ton of bricks on what God wanted me to do he wanted Celeste but he wanted us to have the chance to be the ones to make that choice to be at peace with what we were going to have to do...All I ever wanted for her was peace and if that ment doing what we did then so be it...But Celeste was different from Ned she had so many things against her and this time she wasn't going to come out of it...Ned is a fighter and he still has alot of fight left in him he will pull out of this and be stronger for it. God is watching out for your family and he is with you and Ned every step of the way... We all slip when it comes to our little babies being so sick God knows that we can't always be as strong as him...Let God guide you to where you need to be and he will let you know what to do from there..The truth speaks from a peaceful place...I haven't always been so faithfull I haven't always done what was right and in some cases even thought that God has left us, but when he told me what we should do I knew he was there waiting for the chance to give us his word. It saddens me that these babies have to go through all of this but I think in some cases it is to let people know that he is there. I remember the first time I ever saw Celeste with her eyes open and the first thought I had was so much wisdom and knowledge behind those eyes and at that moment I know it wasn't Celeste looking back it was God looking out through her. I will continue to Pray for your family and for little Ned. Many hugs

Anonymous said...

As many other have said... you don't know me. My Mom's family is from Cherryville, though.

I am praying for your family and little Ned daily and I've passed the information on to members of my church in Monroe as well. There's power in prayer... and strength in numbers.

Our prayers are with you.

Angie Young

Anonymous said...

I, too, am one who you do not know but I work with two people you do know Lauren Whitesides and Allison Beam Black. Lauren shared with me Ned's story and my heart went out to you immediately. I am a mother of 2 adults and a Mimi to my 5 yr old grdson, Sam. But as others will tell you, mother about all people under 30 and some over 30 that I know and love. Please remember Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you." While this valley seems deep, He has Ned and your family in the Palm of His Hand and in Him you will find comfort! God Bless You and know that I am praying for you and will have Ned put on the Prayer List at Christ Church in Mt. View.

In Christ's Love,
Robin Sams