"What would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the LIVING. Wait, hope for and EXPECT the Lord. Be strong and of good courage and may your heart (Ned) be sturdy and enduring.....Yes, Wait For and Hope For and Expect the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14 (Amp)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

In Preparation

I know I had promised to update more frequently as of last week; however, Ned's week really went downhill last week and the recover has been an effort. Last Thursday, Ned was diagnosed with pneumonia and MRSA sepsis. It initiated such a vascular balancing act that we got very close to a point where I felt we may have to let him go. It just so happened that a last ditch effort by his doctor at the moment returned him to the upswing- Thank the good Lord for Dr. Primis!!

One thing I really wanted to share was how I have know that God had prepared me for this situation with Ned. On the Saturday prior to Ned's accident on Sunday, I dropped in my parent's house to let their dog out while they were out-of-town. I picked a book off the shelf called "The Hiding Place." Nothing flashy or fancy about the book, in fact it looked ages old, but it caught my attention. I read much of the book prior to bed and then woke at 2am and finished it before Sunday school. That is extremely out of character for me. I never awaken during the night unable to sleep and I haven't read a book in a day since, maybe, college (actaully more likely to have been in the interest of meeting a due date). In my opinion, the book is profound.

The jist of the book is that there are these two sisters who assist Jews in the underground effort to escape Nazi rule. Their father has taught them all this Biblical truth all their lives and they use his wisdom as teaching tools in the concentration camps (true story). The lesson I most took away from the book was their ability to thank God and give glory to God regardless of the situation at hand. As soon as Travis handed me Ned that Sunday, although he was blue and not breathing, there was within me somewhere a small voice reminding me that if God was present in the Nazi concentration camps, then He was present here; if He could work miracles there, then he could work them here. The truths in that book have allowed me to remain focused on the positive and to give thanks to God for the small things we have or little blessings received. It also leads me to be thankful for the annoyances in life!!

I now know why I grabbed that book and why I stayed awake all night reading it. I needed to know that God's grace and mercy sometimes takes the form of fleas (you'll have to read it)!

Much Love....Good Night,

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Journey Continues

There is certainly a part of me that had hoped never to post on this blog ever again. I had basically used this format as an outlet to express, not only Ned's current medical condition, but also, how the Lord was working in my life and heart through those situations. I was definitely living in a place where I assumed all those times were behind me. There was a part of me that was missing feeling the closeness of the Lord in my life, but I wouldn't have opted to return to a critical care unit to rekindle the relationship?

On Sunday, July 5, Ned nearly drowned in the bath. Since then he has been at Levine's Children's Hospital in Charlotte and is in critical condition. I am at a complete loss for how I feel about our current situation and about my sick child. I am completely and utterly wrought with guilt. I have apologized to Ned a million times in that hospital room and to my Savior for being so irresponsible for such a precious gift in my life. I am coming to a greater understanding of guilt and its crippling affects on the spritual lives of people.

I have always thought that I understood why people who had made terrible "lifestyle choices" had a difficult time letting go of their guilt and accepting the forgivness of Jesus; however, my "understanding" was extremely abstract and distant, at best. Guilt oppresses you in a very internalized approach. I don't feel like I deserve to take my guilt to the cross and lay it down, and for that matter, I don't want to. I don't want to feel better while my son is struggling to live in a hospital bed. The most difficult concept for me to grasp at the moment is that I have never "deserved" to take my burdens to the cross....it was never a priviledge I had earned for any good merit or behavior. When you have to watch your children suffer for your misgivings, you desire to suffer as well. I know every parent in the world will tell me that it could have just as easily been their child, but it wasn't....it was mine. It's not that he went under that haunts me at night, it's knowing that when he couldn't help himself, he was desperately wanting and needing me to rescue him and I never came.

I am asking everyone to pray for Ned. I am praying for his peace and comfort....that is what I most desire for him. While every fiber of my being wants him back on my hip, clinging to my shoulder, I most want him to feel the peace of God. I have more that I would like to share about how God prepared me for this latest journey, but I don't have the endurance tonight to relay it...hopefully tomorrow. Much love and many blessings!