I first want to apologize for not posting for the past several days...I have come back to Chapel Hill without the power cord from my computer so I'm not as "wired" as normal. Travis is mailing it to me today so I should be back on schedule tomorrow. The plan was to put Ned on the high-flow nasal cannula yesterday (vapo-therm), but the PICU was so very busy that they didn't have time to watch him as closely as they would like. I was perfectly fine waiting. I am just so thankful to finally not be the kid who is requiring so much attention. There are a lot of really sick kids here right now and one baby didn't survive yesterday. The PICU is so extreme....things are either miraculously wonderful or overwhelmingly sad. As of right now, they are going to switch Ned over to the vapo-therm some time today. I am just praying that his body has gotten strong enough to hold that little left lung open now! Once he can maintain on the vapo-therm, they will step him down to a regular nasal cannula and then we can leave the intensive care unit. For me, that's a little bitter sweet. I'm ready to get home, but I have grown to really love the people who work on this unit and who have shown such love and compassion to my son and myself. What a fantastic blessing they have been to my life. I was actually kinda glad to get back up here this week.....I missed Ned and the hospital staff? How crazy is that?
Quick question, have you ever gone through a really ugly phase in your life. Like one day you look in the mirror and you're just not really happy with anything about yourself. You feel fat, your hair-do isn't suiting you, you're pale, etc. I've been in a place like that lately and the other night, I attempted to help myself a bit- you know, I used an emergency mask and some extra special moisturizers- cause that should fix 2 months worth of neglect? Anyway, when I was driving back to Chapel Hill, God showed me where I was ugly spiritually. I always tend to pay more attention to my outward appearance than my inner? The first day Ned moved from the NICU to PICU, he had that heart cath test. The surgeon told us we could wait in his room and he would come back there once it was over. Travis and I had stepped out for coffee and when we picked up the phone to get access back into the PICU, the lady on the phone told us to wait in the waiting room till Ned got back. I was very snippy with the woman and she did let us back into his room, but I spoke to her in a tone that wasn't kind at all. It wasn't so much what I said, but the tone in which I said it and the rage that was welling up in me as I was speaking to her. I'm still unsure who it was I spoke to that day, but after God showed me this the other day, I have attempted to apologize. I gave my apology to Deborah who typically answers the phone during the day. She has assured me that she doesn't think it was her, so I've just asked her to let me know if anyone mentions it so I can let them know how sorry and embarrassed I am for my behavior. She said not to worry about it, but I just let her know that God has called me to be better than that to others. Now I feel like if I confess it before all of you, I'm getting a little closer to truly apologizing? Thanks for being my ears!
Please just continue to pray for Ned today......God is working many miracles through his little life and I am just blessed to be a witness to it! Thank you all for enriching my life with your own testimonies of faith. I can't begin to express all my thankfulness to you all for all your love and support. The enormity of it consumes me daily and it sustains me!
Betsy, Travis, Jack & Ned
5 comments:
Betsy, I love your heart, and I know God does too!
Dear Betsy, I am sure that the nurse that you are talking about knew that you were under an unusual amount of stress, knowing that Baby Ned was so sick, and I am sure she was understanding. All of you are in our constant prayers. We are here if you need anything at all. Sincerely, Donald, Kim, Emily and Brock Alexander
Betsy, I had one of those very moments with the "lady who answers the phone." I apologized over and over to her, but she kept looking at me like I was nuts. I talked to the nurse, and she assured me that everyone in the NICU realizes that the parents are under an extreme amount of pressure and that this is a very emotionally trying time in their lives. They all understand and have learned to not take any of that stuff personally. I know that doesn't excuse us from displaying it, but it made me feel better that they might at least know that we don't truly mean to come across the way we do sometimes!
GO NED! Cadenne was only on Vapo-therm for a very short time! I hope it's the same for Ned! He's an amazing, beautiful little boy!!
Betsy,
I believe we have all had those 'ugly phase' moments, though we are human and make mistakes. Not often do I talk about Heath's near fatal wreck back in 2004, when he died on the helicopter on the way to CMC. I was SO out of character. I don't even remember who called or came to the hospital (actually Danielle wrote their names down for me...she's a blessing). Heath was in neuroICU with swelling in his brain. I wanted an answer NOW! I sat in the floor against the Neuro-ICU door listening to 'every' beep on his monitor. Everytime it would alarm I would bang on the door. I had lost total control, not knowing if he would ever wake up, or walk or talk again. I slept on the floor in the waiting room and didn't care about anyone but Heath. That was my problem. After a few days at CMC, I realized, these people revived him on the chopper. They are doing everything they can and I can't demand any more from them. I realized how selfish I was being, but as a Mother and wife, we are given these situations as trials. Heath came out with only a small broken bone under one of his eye sockets. His Z-71 had landed on top of him and he had tried to pick it up while stuck underneath it. God showed us quickly who is in control. Things changed over time and we have gotten closer to God. In the end, I actually wrote a HUGE letter to the nurses on the Neuro-ICU floor for their continued attention they gave to Heath. The hospital staff knows their patients are under an overwhelming amount of stress, and some completely 'out of it' like I was. I am sure you have witnessed to them as well. If it would make you feel better, write a letter like I did...and quit beating yourself up MOM...you're doing a great job under the circumstances. We are all praying for Ned and your family and you guys have been more inspiring to others than you can imagine. Love to all....
Belle, Heath, Hunter, Carlton & Carlie Grace
I so agree with those here - the staff at the hospitals KNOW we are under estreem stress - and sometimes - it comes out in the worst ways.
I often have told folks that the staff at the NICU saw us at our worst and our best - they did. And we are human - God knows this - he accepts this and he loves us for being human. If we learn from our situations and make them right - that is all he wants.
I agree - don't beat yourself up Mom - and know that they understand and so does God.
With thoughts, prayers and LUNG FUNCTION chants!
Elizabeth
PS What would make it up to them - make sure they see Ned growing up and thriving in the future - that will give them more than you know!
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